I Love You, Then Not at All

Innocent glances, then mindful stares- it held long, I lost count after 3 seconds. It was a continuous channel of thoughts… like I knew you very well, from somewhere before. You smiled, I reciprocated. and that’s when my biggest mistake started.

We allowed ourselves to exchange a mutual feeling, so I thought. I was stuck in the whole idea of love in fairy tales. That one day, my prince charming would arrive and claim me. We’ll look into each other’s eyes and realize we’re bound for love. It was a common thing between us. It felt as if I was your world, it felt as if I was the perfect one that completed you and you to me. I gave myself in, gave myself up to the feeling of love, to the feeling of completeness.

But then, I realized I should have associated love as a dream instead of a fairy tale. Where nightmares are also dreams. and that I shouldn’t have woken up from my slumber with the thought of a possible forever.

I asked myself then, was it the right time to fall? and if I do, would anyone… anything catch me? But then, I grew up as a hard-headed child. Not that my parents didn’t raise me well, but rather children want to explore a lot and it’s better to take things from experience than word of mouth from  the histories of whenever.

I fell. It started fast.. and when I saw what’s beneath clearing into my perspective, everything went to a slow motion. Time was ticking. I can hear my heartbeat. And to the last second before I met my fate, I was still hoping you’ll catch me. But you didn’t. I only expected of bruises the moment I let you enter in my life. But I didn’t know that love actually has more than that. I was foolish and innocent who knew nothing of life- of all.

I was caught by a glass held by two cliffs. And the moment I tried to regain myself, little shattered piece caught up with my fall. It pierced through my heart like tiny little demons who know nothing of feelings, much like me..

I wanted to just die then and there. But I realized. Love… love is good the way it is. When people get hurt, they will value it even more.

But despite that, it’s exactly how Paulo Coehlo describes it in Eleven Minutes, “love is a terrible thing that will make you suffer.”



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